The Fog

No one talks about it.  No one writes about it.  It's probably because they don't remember it.

It's probably because they wake up one day saying, "Where am I?  How did I get here?  When did I age 10 years?".  They see pictures of themselves around a house they know to be their own.  Pictures of them with small children at the zoo...at Disney...at a park.  They think, "Was I there?  Who are those children?"

Ah, the toddler years.  I was talking with a friend recently about attending church.  We laughed to think of ourselves trying to follow a logical train of thought through a sermon for longer than 30 seconds.  All the moms with young kids you see sitting there looking focused?  They are really making lists in their heads: all the things they need to do, didn't do, should've done and don't want to think about.

My friend mentioned having mornings away with the Lord (when her husband would take the kids out) and she would just weep.  With joy?  Oh no.  With pure overwhelmedness (there is no better word, even though this isn't a word).  The silence.  What does one do with silence?

I haven't been able to finish a train of thought in five years.  I have not had one single cup of coffee that I haven't had to re-heat.  I haven't made one meal where I haven't burned or undercooked something. I haven't had one conversation that was not interrupted or stopped due to nap time being over.

After running around with ADD brain for 5 years, I am not sure how to make it stop.  When someone gives me time without the kids, I honestly feel a bit trapped...suffocated.  I mean wouldn't you if your morning went something like this?...

6 a.m.  Alarm goes off (I haven't slept past 6:30 in years).  Roll out of bed, keep rolling into clothes, get some coffee going.
6:20 a.m. Coffee not quite done but Zoya is upstairs yelling (with others asleep), "MOM! I AM DONE GOING POOP!"
6:40 a.m. (while trying to read a bit of the Bible before I get the kids at 7): Carmen: "MOM! Elden pooped in his diaper!"  Let's start the day, shall we?
After this I lost track of time but here what's occurred as accurately as my brain allows, "I should go to the store.  Where's my list?  Oh, there it is.  Next to the baby books.  I should really fill those in.  I will put them aside to do later.  I need to write out a list for myself for this weekend (pause to help someone go to the bathroom and one my way back...), Oh!  The windex!  Perfect, I need to clean the office.  (head upstairs) Girls, don't forget to clean your desks this weekend.  Hey, these pencils needs sharpened.  I will do it.  Oh, the sharpener is full.  I guess I can empty it.  Why does the bathroom smell like poop?  Oh, Elden's diaper.  I guess I should empty the trash can.  Has anyone seen my coffee (pause to break up a fight, leaving trash can in hallway and head to kitchen to look for coffee). I need to figure out if we have food for lunch.  And dinner.  I guess I should look at this week's menu to see what I would need at the store.  Oh!  I need to go to the store.  I should find my list. (pass my bedroom heading to my desk) My bed isn't made.  I will do that real quick (someone crying, Elden grabbing things out of my bathroom, Zoya playing with the kitten's poop scoop).  "DO NOT touch that!" I should read a book with the kids.  I rarely just sit down with them.  Let me finish my bed first.  Oh, it's raining!  I will put the plants outside to sit in the rain.  Oh look, someone spilled applesauce all over the front porch and there are flies everywhere!  (go inside to get a bucket and see Ida, the dog's, head in the trash can I left in the hallway) Where is my coffee??!!!!!"

It is now 11 a.m.  I have successfully a) not killed anyone b) boiled pasta without burning it c) made a cup of tea that is now cold c) read one story to the kids d) made my bed e) cleaned up everyone's mess from snack.

People always tell you, "Cherish this time.  It goes by so fast."  Of course it does.  Times flies when you're blacked out.