Happy New Year!!

Sometimes I don't write because I have nothing to say.  Sometimes I don't write because I have so much to say.  Sometimes I don't write because I feel like writing about fun things the family does just seems like bragging.  Sometimes I don't write because I feel like there are so many greater things to read (not my blog) or better things I can be doing with my time :).

I have put it off long enough.  Tonight, as there is a Thai concert nearby and sleep will elude me anyway, I write.

We have had a wonderful month (or 6 weeks?).  Here it is in a nutshell:

• Thanksgiving.  Wonderful time celebrating with friends, although the food, though delicious, just didn't seem like home.  Curt and I chalked it up to the fact that we eat so much spice here, food without spice just tastes bland.  I hope we are not ruined for life...
• Christmas season.  One of our favorite family traditions is coming up with one thing everyday to do for someone else.  It is usually outside of the home and often anonymous.  We string red envelopes across the living room with a card inside with instructions and open one every morning.  It keeps us very busy but we force ourselves to get out and do it because it's SO much fun! Here were our favorite ones this year: 
• delivering homemade banana bread to our local police station, fire station and post office.
• buying 10 kites off the kite lady on the street and delivering them to an orphanage around the corner from us.  This led into us being invited to their big Christmas party, which we attended.
• having the disabled kids over from another orphanage that we have been serving at the last 6 months.
• buying out every single piece of food from a lady who sells it from a small stand on a highway so she could go home early for the day.
• buying our gardner a movie voucher so he could take some friends to a movie one night.
• ordering pizza and having it delivered to Carmen and Zoya's Thai preschool teachers anonymously.
• delivering iced tea to some construction workers around the corner from us
• Erin leaving.  Our homeschool teacher, who lived with us for almost a full 11 months, flew home on December 15th. She did an amazing job all year.  Our new homeschool teacher, Kelsey, arrives January 1st!
• Family!  My older brother and his wife and my younger brother flew over for the week of Christmas.  We had a blast doing all the tourist stuff we have put off: riding elephants, climbing waterfalls, heading up the mountain to the King's palace, shopping at many markets, eating off the street (ok, we haven't put that off!) and a few other fun things.  

And now, we have slowly settled back into routine.  The Christmas stuff is away, old things have been gotten rid of replaced by new, fun toys (thank God for uncles and aunts! :)) and we are looking forward to our second full year here.  We are so, so thankful for everyone who prays for us and supports us to be able to reach this area of the world!  Thank you and Merry Christmas (belated!) and Happy New Year!!

Having the orphanage kids over!

Contextualization

Working on "Gra Tongs" with some Thai friends

This was a hard one for me.  I have been hounded by something my oldest said to me in the car on the way home from hanging out with Thai friends.
Yesterday and today is a very popular Thai festival known as "Loy GraTong".  There are several things that happen on these 2 days.  One, pictured in the middle, is where you decorate a banana stump with beautiful flowers, leaves and plants.  Traditionally, this is then placed in a river to thank and honor the river for providing water for everyday purposes (drinking, washing, laundry, etc.).

Lighting a lantern with our neighbors

The second is the other 2 pictures.  You light a small piece on the bottom of this lantern and it acts like a hot air ballon.  It will begin to rise as it heats and is a way to honor the moon.  I am not sure why the two are connected (sorry, my language is not that good yet :)).
So, I took the kids to hangout with some friends and learn about their holiday.  We got a little history lesson and then got to make our own "GraTongs", while talking with our friends.
On the drive home, Turism said she felt so sad the whole time.  She felt torn in wanting to honor them as people with their own way of thinking but also wanting to interrupt their sharing to share about the Creator.  She didn't want them worshiping a created thing.  She wanted them going to the Source.
And that's where I was torn.  I wanted to celebrate with our Thai friends.  I wanted to be out in the street with our neighbors, laughing and enjoying their traditions.  I wanted to be a part of their lives.  But when does that cross over into not being different?  When do I look wishy washy?  When am I not standing firm in my convictions?  When is it fun and when is it serious?
I have no answers.  Thais were surprised and delighted that we came out to join the fun.  It made my heart glad.  So what I was left with was prayer.  Prayer for protection for my family.  Pray for my friends' and neighbors' hearts and our witness.
I am currently reading through the children's Bible in Thai with my house helper (a Buddhist) and my language teacher (also a Buddhist).  These 2 very dear friends are beginning to learn bits of my life.  They are learning where I stand.  And I pray God changes their hearts.  Would you pray with me?  Not only for these two but all the others we are coming to know and love.  I want Christ to be obvious through us.  I want Him known here, in this neighborhood, in this section of town, in this city, in this country.

The Constant Rub

I walked in my bedroom to this and it brought with it a flurry of emotions. Zoya has spent time coloring and hanging her artwork for Curt and I.

Recently, I have been following numerous friends with heartaches.  One who birthed her precious stillborn boy only weeks before his due date.  One who is constantly battling cancer and other illness, as she raises her 3 children wondering if she will live to see them grow.  One whose son died at the age of 4 to cancer.  One who's son was born with a deformity that will never allow him to walk.

The "Constant Rub" is the frustrations of every day life and the 2x4 that hits you across the head to remind you of your amazing blessings.  Motherhood is a constant battle: not getting enough sleep, wanting to do "just one thing" without someone running up to you with a bleeding nose, wanting silence for 5 minutes, etc.  The irritability that plagues the day with these little people who are so needy (and the older ones who are emotionally unstable :)). Yes, I just want to go for a run whenever I want and not at nap time, which is smack in the middle of the hottest part of the day.  I want to do double workouts if I want, but can't because there is never enough time.  I want to have a quiet afternoon where I can sit around and read a book but when the quietness comes, that's when the work can get done! and the books sit on the shelf.  I want to wake up when I want, not because someone needs me at 6:15a.m.  I want to go to bed when I want, not rushing to sleep because I know someone needs me at 6:15a.m.

But.

BUT.

But.  I have 6 healthy children.  They do well in school and are often helpful and well behaved.  I have kids who are physically healthy and can run around, makes messes and create things. I have kids who are mentally healthy and can have real relationship with Curt and I.  I have healthy, happy kids.

And today, that is hitting home.  Yes, never getting to drink a cup of hot coffee is a tragedy but I will take it if it comes with the chaos of a kid-filled home.

Thai preschool, where we spend 3 mornings/week

The special needs orphanage we go to to play with the kids

Carmen helping a college student who takes care of our yard.  He is like an older brother to Carmen.

The Fog

No one talks about it.  No one writes about it.  It's probably because they don't remember it.

It's probably because they wake up one day saying, "Where am I?  How did I get here?  When did I age 10 years?".  They see pictures of themselves around a house they know to be their own.  Pictures of them with small children at the zoo...at Disney...at a park.  They think, "Was I there?  Who are those children?"

Ah, the toddler years.  I was talking with a friend recently about attending church.  We laughed to think of ourselves trying to follow a logical train of thought through a sermon for longer than 30 seconds.  All the moms with young kids you see sitting there looking focused?  They are really making lists in their heads: all the things they need to do, didn't do, should've done and don't want to think about.

My friend mentioned having mornings away with the Lord (when her husband would take the kids out) and she would just weep.  With joy?  Oh no.  With pure overwhelmedness (there is no better word, even though this isn't a word).  The silence.  What does one do with silence?

I haven't been able to finish a train of thought in five years.  I have not had one single cup of coffee that I haven't had to re-heat.  I haven't made one meal where I haven't burned or undercooked something. I haven't had one conversation that was not interrupted or stopped due to nap time being over.

After running around with ADD brain for 5 years, I am not sure how to make it stop.  When someone gives me time without the kids, I honestly feel a bit trapped...suffocated.  I mean wouldn't you if your morning went something like this?...

6 a.m.  Alarm goes off (I haven't slept past 6:30 in years).  Roll out of bed, keep rolling into clothes, get some coffee going.
6:20 a.m. Coffee not quite done but Zoya is upstairs yelling (with others asleep), "MOM! I AM DONE GOING POOP!"
6:40 a.m. (while trying to read a bit of the Bible before I get the kids at 7): Carmen: "MOM! Elden pooped in his diaper!"  Let's start the day, shall we?
After this I lost track of time but here what's occurred as accurately as my brain allows, "I should go to the store.  Where's my list?  Oh, there it is.  Next to the baby books.  I should really fill those in.  I will put them aside to do later.  I need to write out a list for myself for this weekend (pause to help someone go to the bathroom and one my way back...), Oh!  The windex!  Perfect, I need to clean the office.  (head upstairs) Girls, don't forget to clean your desks this weekend.  Hey, these pencils needs sharpened.  I will do it.  Oh, the sharpener is full.  I guess I can empty it.  Why does the bathroom smell like poop?  Oh, Elden's diaper.  I guess I should empty the trash can.  Has anyone seen my coffee (pause to break up a fight, leaving trash can in hallway and head to kitchen to look for coffee). I need to figure out if we have food for lunch.  And dinner.  I guess I should look at this week's menu to see what I would need at the store.  Oh!  I need to go to the store.  I should find my list. (pass my bedroom heading to my desk) My bed isn't made.  I will do that real quick (someone crying, Elden grabbing things out of my bathroom, Zoya playing with the kitten's poop scoop).  "DO NOT touch that!" I should read a book with the kids.  I rarely just sit down with them.  Let me finish my bed first.  Oh, it's raining!  I will put the plants outside to sit in the rain.  Oh look, someone spilled applesauce all over the front porch and there are flies everywhere!  (go inside to get a bucket and see Ida, the dog's, head in the trash can I left in the hallway) Where is my coffee??!!!!!"

It is now 11 a.m.  I have successfully a) not killed anyone b) boiled pasta without burning it c) made a cup of tea that is now cold c) read one story to the kids d) made my bed e) cleaned up everyone's mess from snack.

People always tell you, "Cherish this time.  It goes by so fast."  Of course it does.  Times flies when you're blacked out.

The Struggle For Simplicity

**I must start this blog off with the fact that perhaps no one else in the world struggles with this :).  I am not pointing fingers or accusing anyone or any company of anything.  This is simply something I see in myself and have been coming up against recently.

With that said (and with a 2 year old sitting on my lap), I have watched myself struggle against the digital world and real-life engagement.  I find myself watching things happen and then taking a shot in my mind's eye and thinking about how I would post it on Facebook.  That leads me to wondering why I even want to.

You know.  Elden does something cute and I want to put it up.  I run a race, place and want to post a selfie.  Carmen is reading chapter books at 4 years old and I want to write a post.  I don't, mainly because I don't have the time, but this morning I thought, "Oh no.  The digital world has no idea how amazing we are!"  I read about the other moms' baking days, creating their own play dough (with essential oils), making their own yogurt (first milking the cow no less!), writing a book while caring for 5 children, etc. and I think what are people going to think of me????!!!  They know nothing!  They see old pictures!  I haven't posted in over a month!

"They" are going to wonder what I do with all my time.  "They" are going to wonder if my kids are being properly educated.  "They" are going to wonder if we ever leave the house, take vacations, visit with friends.  "They" are going to wonder if they should be supporting us. "They" are going to wonder if we are just...normal.

I find myself easily drawn into a world in cyberspace and missing out on the world that is happening around me. I actually have to stop myself and say, "It's ok that instead of working on posting pictures, you spend that time doing a puzzle with the kids."

Really it comes down to the fact that I have to be ok with just doing the puzzle, not showing everyone else that I did the puzzle.  I have to stop and realize that I need to drink in these moments because each one is gone in a breath.  And, God forbid, I miss that smile, that laugh, that look, that joke.  Too soon, these moments will be gone.  And I don't want to miss them.